For years, the word ‘self-love’ has been struggling to inhabit deep in her. Although few improvements have been seemingly made, she can’t help to think in many episodes that there’s not a single thing about herself that she needs to be proud of. Doubting herself is much easier than the opposite, and she subconsciously holds that notion most of her life.
The word ‘love’ itself even got her cringing down the spine every time she says it out loud. Having a grim childhood where everything was not entirely bright made her rarely express affection towards others, even though receiving it surely makes her heart at ease and warm.
It’s mostly fear and discomfort that have been holding her back. As if she’s hiding beneath the duvet, not trying to move a single muscle, because she cannot bear the thought of getting out of her comfort zone and facing her fears.
Because of that, people call her cold or unapproachable. Easy for them to judge because they always assume the outermost look one person can show without knowing the story behind it. Well, perhaps there’s some truth in what they say. But life has carved her poorly, so is it her to blame?
The word ‘self’ also got her speechless as she’s thinking about it. What about herself? Is there something special about her? She dreams of the idea of being able to look from other people’s perspectives and judge how she walks, talks, and behaves.
Do I look pathetic or admirable?
Do I look pretty in that red dress or am I trying too hard?
Is the way I walk too slanted?
Or does the way I munch sound annoying?
She aspires to be the kind of person who can strike other people to say, “Man, this person’s awesome.” But to think that there’s barely anything admirable about herself, she doesn’t think the word ‘awesome’ is the perfect description to label her as a whole.
She knows it’s depressing to keep drowning inside this hole of self-hatred. But at the same time, she’s deliberately blinding her visions from seeing the things that can help her in getting out of this dark pit. It’s grueling.
So, one thing that she can confidently say is that the words ‘self-love’ don’t have a good history with her and it’s still a big hurdle she needs to face. Sometimes she sees a glimpse of light in herself, but other times it’s hollow.
Slice of Bread and Life 